My 2019 Depth year journey?

Let me preface this by saying that, while I’ve been disappointed in my lack of progress with outlined goals, I’ve since come to a point of acceptance and self-love that allows me to acknowledge it’s okay to experience your day, week or year within the parameters of your energy and needs. This means that, no, I didn’t meet my goals. Not a single one. But that’s okay. 

I spent too much money. I bought too many planners and too many clothes and too many purses. More of any one thing than I am likely to use. Not only did I spend money, but I realized too late what a superfluous purchase it was, then later re-sold it or gave away many of the things I had acquired. I recognize the waste I caused and in which I indulged, and I’m working steadily to make better choices as the weeks unfold. 

However, it’s been a struggle. 

Last fall, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. This illness persisted for longer than anticipated and, even when my tests came back negative and I was clear of the illness, I was feeling lethargic, unmotivated and uninspired. This has continued through today. In February, however, an answer arrived in a diagnosed of  ME / Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, most likely triggered by the viral pneumonia (in theory), and was told to expect my physical and emotional stressors to continue indefinitely.

So how does this relate to my depth year and 2019 goals? 

It has led me to understand that it’s okay. That it’s acceptable and encouraged to make allowances which encourage self-care. Sometimes this means goals and plans must be sacrificed so my energy may be utilized in ways that many take for granted… taking a shower, folding a load of laundry, grocery shopping or an afternoon with the in-laws. But it has also taught me that there’s no excuse for indulging in unhealthy behaviors and habits that are not feeding my wellness, but adding to its demise. 

What does this mean moving forward? 

It means I’m taking things slow. I’m keeping myself accountable for using my resources responsibly, which include my energy and my finances. It means lessons may be released late, videos may be postponed, personal art projects may remain in a perpetual state of “almost complete”, and how I interact with others is altered to protect my mental health. 

And I hope those of you out there who also experience chronic illness are recognizing your needs and finding healthy ways to address them, without guilt, without regret and without self-admonishment. You deserve to care for yourself first, before you can care for the needs of others. 

Stay safe everyone and stay creative!

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