James Bond’s Apple Watch – The Truth About Watches

In the No Time to Smile (a.k.a., You Only Quip Twice), British secret service agent James Bond wears an OMEGA Seamaster Diver 300M. The MI5 boffin known as [non-LGBT] Q modifies the watch to emit a low-level EMP. Commander Bond uses the transient electromagnetic disturbance to get through a locked door. Ho-hum . . .

Previous Bond timepieces doubled as a geiger counter, buzzsaw, bullet deflecting magnet, abseiling cable, remote detonator, smart gun safety and explosive device. None of which are as clever as James Bond’s Apple Watch. Wait. What?

James Bond's Apple Watch mission

For sake of argument, let’s say the owners of the Bond franchise wanted their cash cow/hero to have some connection with real world espionage. They’d have to take in account the fact that today’s government spy is tiny part of a vast “intelligence community” – a network of opaque and unaccountable organizations that gather, process and interpret information for politicians to ignore, misinterpret and misuse.

Modern day government spies are either researchers, data analysts or case managers (an HR functionary charged with hanging out with high-level informants at strip clubs). In all cases, an Apple Watch is a far more valuable tool than any OMEGA. Which is why so many spies wear them.

Nothing to do with James Bond's Apple Watch

Researchers wear their Apple Watch so they don’t miss meetings crucial to national security, and dental appointments. Data analysts wear it so they’re never more than a glance away from the one thing gives their life meaning, and eliminates the need to go outdoors for food or toilet paper. Case managers use the Apple Watch to maintain situational awareness on the way to the strip club, thus avoiding getting mowed down by hordes of Turkmen bicyclists.

Aside from discreet assassination, the “killing people” part of spy work is the purview of special forces folks. They’re generally cheerful chaps who wear simple watches that don’t beep, and aren’t entirely comfortable at black tie soirées. Where was I? Right. Bottom line. If James Bond was a real British spy he’d wear an Apple Watch.

Just like 100 million Apple Watch owners, who enjoy all the same benefits as real world AW-wearing government spies – minus the fun of attending national security meetings and dodging a tsunami of two-wheeled Turkmen. And why not? Unlike the current Bond’s OMEGA, the Apple Watch is both an astounding piece of modern technology and no big deal.

Well now it is. Can you imagine the cool factor of an Apple Watch if it had appeared in any of the Bond movies before September 2014, when Tim Cook revealed the iPhone 6’s BFF? Hang on Pussy, I just got a reminder text from my sex addiction support group. What’s that? 5000 steps today. Oh, sorry. I’m still on Step Two.

Back in the day, when you had to charge the brick-like Motorola DynaTAC8000X voice-only cell phone for ten hours for 30 minutes talk time, the Bond franchise’s techno-fetishistic scriptwriters couldn’t have imagined the all-singing, all-dancing Apple Watch. By the same token, today’s boilerplate Bond writers can’t imagine creating [literal] killer apps for what would be a more realistic watch choice for a more realistic British spy. Because money.

James Bond's Apple Watch looks like an OMEGA

I can’t find the exact amount OMEGA paid to have James Bond EMP a door and strut around with their time-telling pride and joy, but we know that product placement earned No Time to Die‘s producer’s $100m, the most money shelled for shilling of any movie ever. Bond’s old school horology is pure pimpology.

Funny thing is, Apple could afford to pay all of that to be James’ Bond’s Apple Watch. But doesn’t need to. And wouldn’t anyway – JB isn’t PC enough, despite the latest Bond movie’s “diverse” cast and non-misogynistic sex scenes. And, I hasten to add, how dark, cheerless and psychobabble-stuffed the series has become.

Vintage Seamaster

So James Bond’s Apple Watch is not to be. OMEGA remains the British alpha’s go-to timepiece. The only way to reconcile that choice and what we might call reality: a James Bond origins movie.

Take viewers back to the Cold War and equip the Navy man with a vintage OMEGA Seamaster. (Never mind that the original character was a Rolex guy). Re-issue the watch and Bob’s your uncle, as once-internationally-relevant Brits say.

While they’re at it, Cubby Broccoli’s daughter should make James Bond less of a dick. Or more. I can’t decide. Let me check my watch. Hey Siri, has cancel culture been cancelled yet?

Robert Farago

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